Unless you have been living under a rock for the past year, as apparently I have been, then you have no doubt heard all about the Amanda Knox murder trial. I have taken it upon myself to provide some of my incisive commentary on this matter, and as always, have made it a point to infuse my opinions with the perfect amount of humor in an effort to make a profound impression on my readers (which for many of them results in indigestion, go figure).
As always, the views and opinions expressed in this blog article are those of the idiot author and do not necessarily reflect the official policy or position of The Spencer Law Group, its attorneys, or any of its affiliates.
On the heels of the acquittal of Foxy Knoxy, my loyal followers have emerged in droves, (by the way I have come up with a new name for these die-hard minions–they will from this day forward be known as the “Megalo-Maniacs”) and have been begging me to comment on this scandal all week and provide some clarity and insights into the matter.
“You’re an all-wise, all-knowing, incredibly handsome estate planning lawyer, Lambros, what’s your take on all of this Amanda Knox hysteria, you know, from an attorney’s perspective?”
My response? “Huh? Amanda Knox? Who the f*** is that?” She the chick from That 70′s Show?”
*Silence*
*Lambros breaks wind*
*Laughter fills the room*
Megalo-Maniac No. 1 (hereinafter referred to as “MM1″): “Uh no, Lambros, Amanda Knox is the young woman who was on trial for murdering a fellow foreign exchange student. Sire, she’s from Seattle…”
Lambros: “Oh…right…her. Okay, loyal follower, pop quiz, what were the events surrounding her arrest and subsequent acquittal? Obviously, I know, I just want to test you to make sure that you are as up-to-date on current events as your benevolent leader.”
MM1: “Well, Amanda was a foreign exchange student studying in Perugia, Italy; this attractive young American woman who went on an adventure in the Mediterranean for her junior year abroad, fell for a hot Italian boy and then ended up rooming with him and then in a sudden and unforeseeable turn of events, was accused, convicted and then exonerated on charges of murdering another young woman in a sex triangle gone awry. The prosecuting attorney accused her of participating in a “Pagan sex ritual” with the intended end result being the murder of this other woman and the press took the story and ran with it, making it more of a salacious tabloid cover story instead of reporting the facts in an accurate and objective way, as the media presumably has a duty to do.
Lambros, with righteous indignation syncopating in his voice: “The media is nothing more than a pawn of Rubert Murdock’s; doing his bidding and used to promote his own interests! “
MM1, completely ignoring his master’s unsolicited social commentary continues, “they painted a portrait of her as a coquettish, blood-thirsty femme fatale whose only real motivation was to lure in this other young woman so that after she was through using her to promote her own ravenous sexual needs, she would discard her by slitting her throat, and bleeding her like a stuck pig in order to satiate her blood-lust. But Knox doesn’t come to mind as one of the usual suspects for such a case. Her roommate, the victim, Meredith Kercher, a British exchange student, was found on the night after Halloween in 2007, raped, throat slit in the apartment the two women shared. According to the European Council, 1 in 5 European women are victims of sexual assault at some point in their lives. 98% of their aggressors are men…”
Lambros: “Pagan sex rituals? Coquettish? Is she hot? I mean, er, where can one find an image of her, I’d like to put a face to this tale of injustice?”
MM1: “Google?”
*Lambros googles Amanda Knox and instead gets an image of Haiden Panettiere where she appears to be getting wasted at a P Diddy White Party* Eyes bulging out of his fat, bald head, he blurts out, “Damn. Nice–I mean, look at this poor broken woman, you can tell from the look on her face that she has been through hell and back.” Lambros furtively saves the image on his smart phone. “So anyways, my loyal servant, tell me, what were some of the affronts to justice committed by the Italian authorities in handling this matter?”
MM1: “Well, for starters the lead prosecuting attorney on the case had really screwed the pooch in his last high profile murder case by pinning it on the wrong guy and was desperate for redepmtion in the eyes of the public–and Amanda Knox was going to be his vehicle on that path to vindication, instead it quickly became apparent that she was nothing more than a sacrificial lamb in helping to wipe away the memory of his most recent prosecutorial gaffe.”
Lambros: “Yes, lambs and giraffes. Continue. You hungry by the way? Would you like a Twinkie, I have two of them and am willing to share.”
MM1 shakes his head “no” and continues relaying the events surrounding the case, “anyhow, the authorities told her to sign a confession written in Italian that she couldn’t understand, and refused to allow her access to legal representation, or even a translator, for that matter.”
Lambros, with a mouthful of cake and cream filling, “That’s brutal, apple strudel. Chomp chomp nom nom. If this were America, chomp nom nom, that would be a violation of her Sixth Amendment rights, or something, chomp nom nom.”
MM1: “As if that wasn’t bad enough, in an effort to break her spirits, the prosecutor and his loyal goons administered a blood test and then lied to her and told her that she had been infected with the HIV virus.”
“What!” Lambros exlaimed, spitting the half-eaten twinkie all over the disciple’s face, “okay, now that is just messed up beyond all recognition! That has to be a violation of at least one of the articles of the Geneva Conventions or a crime against humanity, or something exposing the Italian authorities to international law liability.”
MM1: “It gets worse, Master Lambros,” (rolls eyes) “the murder weapon was a kitchen knife and according to the forensics experts had some of Knox’s DNA on it. Which in and of itself is not a smoking gun pinning her to the murder. Who knows, maybe she used the knife earlier that day to slice a sandwich in half or a panini, or whatever it is they eat in Italy. Moreover, they reportedly found traces of her lover’s DNA on the knife as well. After international experts had been called in to verify the findings of the Italian investigators, they discovered that the traces of his DNA they found on the knife, were in fact nothing more than crumbs from a pound cake.”
Outraged, Lambros shouts, “pound cake?!? pound cake?!? Okay wrap this up for me, what happened next?”
Wiping the crumbs and spittle off of his disgraced visage, MM1 responded, “Rudy Guede, the fourth member of the gruesome foursome was tried for murder and sexual assault and was found guilty and sentenced to 30 years in prison. The court found that his version of the events didn’t match the forensic evidence, remarking that he was unable to explain why one of his palm prints, stained with the victims blood, had been found on the pillow of the bed under the naked body of the victim, after he had claimed that he left her fully dressed. In December of ’09, the court of appeals upheld his convictions, but reduced his sentence to 16 years, explaining that he was the only one to apologize to the Kercher family for his failure to come to her rescue.”
Lambros: “Hmm, ain’t that some shit, well, I’ll be… I wonder who is handling her probate matter?”
The following is an excerpt from the following link courtesy of MSNBC: 
